Full Circle

So this past week has been a great one in terms of insight and connection with my higher power, whom I call God. The questions I had about what to do with this quiet, suppressed time in “The Senior Planner” post actually got answered pretty quickly. Pain tends to make me more permeable, more willing to surrender, more willing to seek God’s presence and aid. It’s when I feel good that I start to pull away and doubt the truth of my personal experience. However, I am getting better at using gratitude (when I feel well) as a means to re-connect and stay connected. You might ask why do I want to be connected in the first place (?) – well, that would take a whole separate blog post to answer. Suffice to say for right now that connection to, and reliance on God has been essential, for many and various reasons, to my living and being for over twenty years.

After writing the last two posts, I wrote the following in an email to a dear friend:

In spite of the pain, things are going well. The Lord is taking this time to progress my spiritual path. I’ve asked and he has answered. One of the things that has facilitated this growth spurt has been Tom’s and my continued participation in the local AA Prayer & Meditation meeting that is held by conference call every morning at 7am, seven days a week now. And I listen to the strength, wisdom, insight and gratitude of wonderful people who fight the good fight.

              Because my “dark night of the soul” lasted so many years, I have had trouble truly surrendering my life to God, and having confidence in his goodness and beneficence. But that is changing under this sequestration. I am losing my resentment about that long dark night, and claiming my healing. I’m learning where my latent anger is truly coming from.

              I’m also being taught that the choice to surrender, to claim healing and confidence, is a daily practice. I cannot say that I am cured on this particular issue for all time. But just for today, I do claim it.

Today I happened to reread a passage quoted from Mark and Luke regarding the lilies of the field. It was particularly impactive given my recent study of the 23^rd Psalm. I was powerfully reminded of God’s providence, and how he has never abandoned me – and never will. This is a promise that I can claim and drive a stake through. Of course, making such a public declaration as this will probably rain the opposite down upon my head. However, at some point I must make it, in order to stop waffling and be thoroughly honest.

And that is only the bare minimum.

So let me stop here before I get in too deep.

There is much more to say – and I hope to find the words eventually. But this is hard work!

COVID-19 will find me up to the task…